“Doin’ Sh*t With Pat – Episode #101”
by
Patrick Michael
FADE IN:
VARIOUS – MONTAGE OF INT. & EXT. SCENES – MID-DAY
Cheerful theme music plays as we see PATRICK doing various household projects in a montage of cut scenes climaxing with him storming off.
TITLE CARD – “DOIN’ SH*T WITH PAT”
“Sh*t” is tiled out.
INT. KITCHEN COUNTER – BRIGHTLY LIT
We see Patrick standing behind a kitchen counter smiling and looking directly in to the camera.
PATRICK
Hello everyone. Welcome once again
to doing “things” with Pat
“Things” is beeped and his mouth is tiled out. He looks around confused and a little annoyed.
Today we will be cooking a simple
marinara pasta sauce with some home
grown ingredients.
(beat)
Join me in the garden while we pick up
a few items for this dish.
Patrick motions towards the door and exits the room.
EXT. GARDEN - EARLY AFTERNOON
We see MIKE kneeling in the garden, trimming some rosemary. He rises and turns to greet Patrick.
MIKE
(over pronouncing some words)
Good afternoon Patrick and welcome to
the garden. We have some fresh
tomatoes, some garlic and some rosemary
over here.
Mike holds up a basket with tomatoes and garlic cloves resting inside. Patrick and Mike head over to a rosemary bush, cut a few sprigs and place them in the basket.
PATRICK
Now let’s head back to the kitchen and
prepare the vegetables for the sauce.
Both men turn toward the house and exit the garden.
INT. KITCHEN COUNTER – BRIGHTLY LIT
We see Patrick standing in the kitchen smiling and looking off screen.
Mike enters the kitchen with a tray of ingredients and utensils, smiling and looking directly in to the camera. Sets down the tray then leaves the kitchen.
PATRICK
First off we will need to clean the
items we brought it from the garden.
We see Patrick washing vegetables in the sink with a dab of soap and small brush. Each vegetable is scrubbed, then rinsed and set in a colander. He picks up the colander and rinses the entire batch a second time.
PATRICK
Next we dice the tomatoes, garlic
and rosemary.
Patrick cuts the tomatoes, garlic and rosemary in a very messy and frustrated fashion. After dicing the vegetables, he pauses and takes a deep breath.
PATRICK
After the herbs and vegetables are
prepared we place them in the stockpot
along with two cups of water. We bring
this to a low boil, on medium-high then
simmer uncovered for about twenty
minutes.
Patrick places the herbs and vegetables in the stockpot and adds two cups of water. He takes the pot and places it on the stove. Turns on the burn and sets it to Medium-High.
We see the water boiling with the herbs and vegetables inside.
We see the vegetables mushy in the water and forming a slightly viscous substance.
PATRICK
Cooking times may vary due to the water
content of the vegetables. Just stir
occasionally and allow the sauce to
cook down.
We see the sauce in a more malleable and edible state, yet slightly on the watery side.
Patrick stirs the sauce and looks directly in to the camera with a smile.
PATRICK
It’s not done yet, but it’s almost
ready for the wine.
We see the sauce combined and professionally prepared.
PATRICK
(directed to Mike off screen)
Mike what kind of wine do we have for
our sauce?
Mike enters with a bottle of wine presented, but the label is facing toward the wall.
PATRICK
(Through gritted teeth)
Turn the bottle…
Mike smiles and turns the label toward the camera.
Mike
(cheerful with extra emphasis)
Today we have a nice cabernet sauvignon
with a robust flavor and a hint of
roses to give it a fantastic floral finish.
Patrick stares at Mike for a moment then grabs the bottle. He shoves Mike out of the kitchen as he begins to open the wine bottle.
MIKE
(Surprised)
This comes to us from our good friends
at the local…
Patrick pops the cork on the wine bottle and pours a hearty dose in to the sauce.
PATRICK
You can add as much or as little as you
prefer, but remember to cook it down
some more in order to burn off the
alcohol content.
(beat)
I like a hearty sauce so let’s add a
little more.
Patrick adds a second splash of wine to the sauce and spills a little on the counter.
PATRICK
Aw, crap!
He wipes the counter and knocks over some spoons that clatter to the floor.
PATRICK
D*mn it!
“D*mn” is beeped and his mouth is tiled out.
He bends down to pick up the spilled silverware. After a moment he sets them back on the counter and one more falls to the floor.
Patrick stirs the sauce silently for a moment to establish composure and then smiles in to the camera. He takes a deep breath, starts to speak then stops.
We see the sauce start to bubble and splash the counter. Patrick is holding the spoon and staring furiously in to the sputtering sauce.
PATRICK
Sh*t!
“Sh*t” is beeped and his mouth is tiled out.
Patrick slams the spoon in to the sink and storms out of the kitchen. Mike follows Patrick quickly out of the kitchen apologetically.
TITLE CARD – “DOIN’ SH*T WITH PAT”
“Sh*t” is tiled out.
V.O. – ANNOUNCER
Tune in next time for another episode
of “Doin’ Sh*t With Pat” when we get a
few tips on building a bookshelf.
“Sh*t” is beeped out.
Credits roll as an aggressive version of the theme music plays.
CREDITS
FADE OUT:
THE END
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